i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
