we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
