cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
