I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
