I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
