The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
