I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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