Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
