This is not my ceiling
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
