I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
