Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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