i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
