my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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