You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
