just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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