I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
