do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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