my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
