He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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