My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
