My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
