My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
