Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
