Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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