I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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