I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
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Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
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If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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