I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
either way he was missing a nipple.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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