Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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