I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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