What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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