I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
