My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
