Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
