There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
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he fucked my hip out of place.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
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Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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