I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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