Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
3pm strippers are depressing
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
