he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
