Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
