So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
