meet me or not, i'm out of control
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
