If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize