the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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