I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
