this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
