just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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