the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
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Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
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EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch