I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
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What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
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the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing