Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
