i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.