You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?