i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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