i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
