Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You made out with two different species that night
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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