i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The power of my boobs compel you
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
