I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
