you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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