Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
